You’ve probably come across the phrase “toxic positivity.” It’s the idea that we should always focus on the bright side, think positively, and look for silver linings — even in the most painful situations. On social media, it often appears as quotes about “choosing happiness” or “being grateful no matter what.”

There’s nothing wrong with positivity in itself. Hope, humour and gratitude can all be meaningful ways of coping with life’s difficulties. But when positivity becomes the only acceptable response, it can end up silencing people’s real feelings. And that can be damaging.

In therapy, particularly in a person-centred approach, we take a very different view of what growth looks like.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is a kind of emotional bypassing. It’s the pressure to cover pain with optimism or to rush through sadness because it’s uncomfortable — for you or for those around you. It might sound like:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “You’ll get over it.”
• “At least it’s not as bad as what other people go through.”

These statements might come from good intentions, but they can leave people feeling unseen or even ashamed for struggling. If you’ve ever been told to “cheer up” when what you really needed was understanding, you’ve felt the sting of toxic positivity.

What real growth looks like

Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred therapy, believed that people grow best when they are accepted exactly as they are. That means all feelings — sadness, anger, fear, grief, confusion — have a place in therapy. They’re not problems to get rid of, but signals pointing towards something important.

When clients come to therapy, they might want to “feel better” — which is completely understandable. But the process of real growth often begins not with feeling better, but with feeling fully. Allowing yourself to stay with discomfort, rather than rushing to fix it, can be the very thing that leads to change.

Why positivity can feel safer than honesty

Many of us learn early on that it’s easier to be positive than to risk being seen as “negative” or “too much.” We might worry about burdening others or being judged for how we feel. So we learn to hide sadness or anger, even from ourselves.

Therapy offers a space where that pattern can begin to shift. A person-centred therapist doesn’t need you to be cheerful or “on top of things.” They meet you where you are — with empathy, curiosity, and without judgment. That kind of acceptance can be deeply relieving. It allows people to explore the full range of their emotions and to understand what those emotions are communicating.

Growth is not linear

The culture of toxic positivity often tells us that progress means constant upward movement — always improving, always healing, always striving for the next stage of wellbeing. But therapy recognises that growth is rarely tidy. Sometimes it looks like tears, confusion, or frustration. Sometimes it means standing still for a while.

Rogers described personal growth as a process of becoming more fluid and flexible — more open to experience, rather than more perfect or positive. That means that even the difficult parts of therapy can be signs of movement and change.

Positivity as integration, not avoidance

True positivity — the kind that arises naturally, not the kind that’s forced — tends to come after feelings have been acknowledged and understood. When we stop fighting parts of ourselves, we often find that lightness and hope emerge on their own.

In therapy, that might look like moments of laughter in the middle of grief, or a sense of relief after finally expressing anger that has been buried for years. These aren’t signs that the sadness or anger were wrong; they’re signs that they’ve been integrated.

A gentler kind of growth

Toxic positivity asks us to be happy instead of sad. Therapy invites us to be human — both happy and sad, strong and uncertain, hopeful and afraid. Growth, in this sense, isn’t about becoming more positive. It’s about becoming more whole.

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🌿 Real growth isn’t about staying positive all the time. It’s about allowing all of your feelings to be seen and accepted — and trusting that, in that acceptance, something new can begin to grow.