Have you ever experienced the feeling of being out of place, like you don’t fit in, or something about you isn’t right? Most of us have, and the feeling is often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety, worry, or low mood, and a sense that something needs to change. Carl Rogers wrote that all psychological distress can be explained by a phenomenon called ‘Conditions of Worth’. This theory could help explain why some of us feel this way so often. He wrote that people all have a basic tendency to grow, develop, survive, and even thrive if the circumstances are right- but the conditions of worth we learn throughout our lives can get in the way
of this ability.

So, what are conditions of worth and why do they affect us so greatly? A condition of worth is, basically, any lesson we learn from the outside world about how we should be. For instance, our parents might teach us that it’s important to succeed in education and work; or that we should strive to be a person who is always generous, or never complains. Maybe our friendship group has taught
us that we need to be fun and outgoing, or that if we say no to drugs or alcohol we won’t fit into the group. Or maybe the opposite is true- and our friends have taught us that we won’t be acceptable if we dabble in experiences that they don’t approve of. Our conditions of worth can be extremely wide-ranging and can differ from person to person, and from culture to culture- for instance certain cultures might hold expectations about the behaviours of certain genders, or might have strong rules about what is right and wrong.

Living in an age of social media, society’s conditions of worth have never been more present. We are inundated with images of the best bits of people’s lives and lifestyles, teaching us what we need to do, be, and look like in order to be accepted by others. We are exposed to the extremes of body image and ideal facial features- and many of the images we see are filtered or digitally altered,
raising the bar even higher for what we believe to be necessary to win the approval of others. And we receive quick feedback about whether others approve of us or not, through likes and reactions to our posts. It has never been harder to accept ourselves as we are.

Our tendency to hone in on and care deeply about what society expects of us is ingrained in us from an early age- some even suggest from birth, as research shows that infants quickly attune to the positive and negative responses of their primary caregivers. And this doesn’t happen without reason. Some theorists believe that this tendency has developed from our ancestral origins as tribal
animals, where being accepted by the rest of the tribe was an important factor in ensuring that we would be afforded a share of the group’s resources, food and shelter, and protection from danger. Even today, it is generally helpful to be able to fit in and co-operate with others in order to survive and thrive in social settings and workplaces, allowing us to access a share of society’s resources.

But we can also find that our conditions of worth can divert and distract us from what we really want in life, and that we can even lose touch with our own emotions, feelings and even our day-to-day experiences when they contradict with the way we think we ought to be. This can go some way to explain the feeling of unease many of us can experience, even when we are trying our best to fit in. Maybe, deep down, we don’t see ourselves as fitting the stereotypes for the
gender we are assigned to; or we don’t enjoy the activities we think we are supposed to; or the career path that has been set out for us isn’t what we feel will really fulfil us. Going deeper, maybe we experience shame about the way we present, the way we behave, the way we look or even the way we feel, and find ourselves hiding or trying to change our true selves. And sometimes these
feelings can even be too frightening to contemplate, and get hidden or distorted into other thoughts and feelings.

I often feel in awe of my clients in the moments where they finally start to uncover what is going on for them. It takes real bravery and reflection to start to say to yourself ‘I’m not who I feel I am supposed to be’, and this is the first step to self-understanding on the journey to self-acceptance.

Working with a therapist who can model acceptance and empathy in a genuine way can be the key to opening our eyes to the conditions of worth that might be shaping our experience, and to gaining a better understanding of ourselves and what we really need to thrive. In the meantime, here are some thoughts that could be helpful to consider:

Everything I do, think and feel is part of my mind/body’s goal of surviving and growing, therefore nothing I am doing or feeling is pointless or wrong

I can’t help needing to be accepted by others, and I have my own desires and wishes too

That feeling of being out of place or wrong can be hard to get rid of when we are fighting between becoming who others want us to be and who we want to be ourselves, but the good news is that the more we come to accept ourselves, the more deeply we can understand what is going on for us, and the more control and choice we can have in our lives.