Self-esteem is something we hear about a lot. We might talk about having “low self-esteem”, building confidence, or learning to feel better about ourselves.

But what does self-esteem actually mean?

From a person-centred perspective, self-esteem isn’t simply about thinking positively about yourself or learning to feel more confident. It can be connected to something deeper: how we experience ourselves, how we understand our own worth, and how freely we feel able to be ourselves.

Where does our sense of self-worth come from?

Carl Rogers, whose work forms the basis of person-centred therapy, suggested that we develop our understanding of ourselves through our experiences and relationships with other people.

As we grow up, we receive messages about ourselves from the people around us. Some of these messages may be supportive and accepting. Others may communicate that certain feelings, behaviours or parts of ourselves are more acceptable than others.

Over time, we can begin to internalise these messages.

We might learn, for example, that we are valued when we achieve, please other people, behave in a particular way, or meet certain expectations.

Rogers described these as conditions of worth.

What are conditions of worth?

Conditions of worth are ideas we can develop about what we need to be like in order to be worthy of acceptance or love.

They might sound something like:

“I need to be successful to be worthwhile.”

“I mustn’t upset other people.”

“I need to be useful to be valued.”

“I have to get things right.”

These aren’t necessarily beliefs that someone has consciously taught us. They can develop gradually through our experiences.

When we become strongly guided by these conditions, it can become harder to recognise what we genuinely feel, want or need.

We may become more focused on how we think we should be, rather than how we actually are.

How can this affect self-esteem?

If our sense of worth becomes dependent on meeting particular conditions, our relationship with ourselves can become quite fragile.

We might be very self-critical when we make mistakes.

We might compare ourselves constantly with other people.

We might find it difficult to accept compliments while readily believing criticism.

We might feel responsible for other people’s happiness, or struggle to say no.

Or we might have a strong sense that we are somehow “not good enough”, without being entirely sure where that feeling comes from.

Sometimes, these experiences can also affect our ability to trust ourselves. We may question our decisions, dismiss our own feelings or look to other people to tell us whether our reactions are reasonable.

A person-centred understanding of self-esteem

Person-centred therapy doesn’t approach low self-esteem as something that needs to be fixed by giving you a set of techniques or positive affirmations.

Instead, therapy can provide an opportunity to explore your experience of yourself.

What have you learned about who you are?

Where have those messages come from?

What happens when you don’t meet the expectations you’ve placed on yourself?

And what might it be like to experience a relationship where you don’t have to earn acceptance by being a particular way?

For Rogers, the therapeutic relationship itself is important. When a person experiences genuine understanding, acceptance and empathy, they may gradually have more freedom to explore parts of themselves that have previously felt unacceptable.

This isn’t about a therapist telling you what to believe about yourself.

It is about having space to discover your own experience.

Self-esteem isn’t the same as constant confidence

Having healthy self-esteem doesn’t necessarily mean feeling confident all the time.

You can feel uncertain and still trust yourself.

You can make a mistake without believing that you are a failure.

You can disagree with someone without automatically assuming that you are wrong.

You can recognise that someone is disappointed with you without concluding that you have done something terrible.

From a person-centred perspective, perhaps the goal isn’t to create a version of yourself who is confident all the time. It might instead be about developing a more accepting and trusting relationship with yourself.

How can therapy help with low self-esteem?

If you are struggling with low self-esteem, therapy can offer a space to explore how you experience yourself and where some of those feelings might have come from.

You don’t need to arrive knowing exactly what you want to change.

As a person-centred therapist, I won’t give you a programme of exercises or tell you what decisions to make. Instead, I aim to create a space where you can explore your experiences at your own pace, with someone who is listening and trying to understand your perspective.

For some people, having the experience of being genuinely heard and accepted can become an important part of developing greater self-understanding and self-trust.

Therapy for self-esteem in Brighton & Hove and online

I offer person-centred therapy in Fiveways and Kemptown, Brighton, as well as online throughout the UK.

If you would like to explore issues around self-esteem, self-trust or your relationship with yourself, you can find out more about my [therapy for self-esteem and self-trust].

Sessions are 50 minutes and cost £55, with a limited number of £30 low-cost spaces available.

You can get in touch with any questions or book a free 30-minute introductory call.