Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that its effects end. For some people, it can take time to make sense of what has happened and to understand how the experience may have affected their relationship with themselves.

You might find yourself questioning your judgement, doubting your feelings or feeling less certain about your own perspective. Perhaps you notice that you revisit conversations or events, wondering whether you understood them correctly. You may find yourself looking to other people for reassurance, or perhaps you simply feel less sure of what you think, feel or want.

Of course, everyone’s experience of an abusive relationship is different. There is no single way that people respond, and you may recognise some of these experiences without identifying with others.

If you have found yourself doubting your own perspective, it may be helpful to consider how experiences within a relationship can sometimes influence the way we see ourselves.

How an abusive relationship might affect your sense of self

In some abusive relationships, a person’s feelings, needs or experiences may be dismissed, criticised, minimised or repeatedly challenged. They might be made to feel that they are too sensitive, unreasonable or somehow responsible for another person’s behaviour.

Experiences like these can sometimes affect the way someone understands themselves.

For example, if expressing a need is met with criticism, a person might begin to question whether they should have expressed it at all. If their feelings are repeatedly dismissed, they may find themselves wondering whether those feelings are justified. If their recollection of events is challenged, they might become less certain of their own memories or interpretations.

Over time, some people may find that they place increasing importance on another person’s view of what is acceptable, reasonable or true.

These patterns don’t necessarily disappear when a relationship ends. Depending on the person’s experiences, they might notice that they continue to question their reactions, feel uncertain about their decisions or find it difficult to recognise their own needs.

For others, the effects may be quite different. There is no right or expected way to respond.

Understanding how a particular relationship may have influenced your sense of self can sometimes be a useful starting point for exploring what you need now.

Conditions of worth and losing trust in yourself

The person-centred psychologist Carl Rogers used the term conditions of worth to describe the conditions we can come to believe we must meet in order to be worthy of love, acceptance or approval.

Ideally, we experience acceptance without feeling that we have to be a particular kind of person or behave in a particular way to deserve it. Rogers called this unconditional positive regard.

However, through our relationships and experiences, we can come to internalise messages about which parts of ourselves are acceptable and which are not. We might learn that certain feelings, needs or ways of expressing ourselves are welcomed, while others lead to disapproval, rejection or criticism.

In an abusive relationship, these experiences may contribute to the development or reinforcement of conditions of worth.

For example, someone might come to feel that they need to be accommodating, agreeable or understanding to be accepted. They may begin to believe that expressing their needs, disagreeing or prioritising themselves could lead to conflict or rejection.

Perhaps they find themselves questioning their own feelings when these differ from what another person expects of them. Or they may become more accustomed to considering someone else’s perspective than their own.

From a person-centred perspective, this could be understood as a shift in the way someone evaluates themselves and their experiences. Their sense of what is acceptable about themselves may have become increasingly influenced by the expectations and judgements of another person.

This isn’t something that happens to everyone, and it isn’t a personal failing. Where these patterns do develop, they may have made sense within the context of the relationship in which they emerged.

Re-finding trust in your own inner voice

Rebuilding self-trust doesn’t necessarily mean becoming more confident, making decisions more quickly or learning to ignore other people’s opinions.

It might instead involve gradually becoming more able to recognise and value your own feelings, experiences and needs.

In person-centred theory, Rogers described the locus of evaluation. This refers to where we look for the basis of our judgements about ourselves and our experiences.

When our locus of evaluation is primarily external, we may rely heavily on other people’s opinions, expectations or approval to decide whether our feelings are legitimate, whether our choices are right or whether we are good enough.

For someone who has experienced an abusive relationship, this idea may offer one way of understanding difficulties with self-trust. If their perspective has been repeatedly questioned or overridden, they might find themselves looking to other people to establish what happened, what they should feel or what they should do.

This doesn’t mean that seeking reassurance or valuing other people’s perspectives is inherently unhelpful. We all rely on relationships and other people in different ways. Rather, the difficulty may arise when someone feels unable to trust their own perspective without external confirmation.

This is one reason why the person-centred approach to therapy isn’t about a therapist telling you what decisions to make or giving you instructions about how to rebuild your confidence. Doing so could risk reinforcing the idea that someone else is better placed to determine what is right for you.

Instead, person-centred therapy places importance on creating a relationship in which you can explore your experiences without being judged, directed or told what you ought to think.

How person-centred therapy can help

Person-centred therapy offers a relationship in which you can explore your experiences in an accepting, non-judgemental environment.

Carl Rogers identified three important therapeutic conditions: empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence. These involve being understood from your perspective, accepted without having to meet particular expectations, and relating to a therapist who is genuine and real.

Rather than being told what to think or do, you are given space to explore your own feelings, needs and experiences at your own pace.

For some people, experiencing this kind of acceptance and understanding may create the conditions for growth. Gradually, you might find it easier to recognise and trust your own feelings and judgements, rather than feeling that you need someone else to validate them.

The intention isn’t to stop valuing other people’s perspectives, but to develop a stronger connection with your own.

Therapy after an abusive relationship in Brighton & Hove and online

I’m Emily, a BACP registered person-centred therapist offering face-to-face sessions in Fiveways and Kemptown, Brighton, and online sessions throughout the UK.

My approach is non-directive. I won’t tell you what to do or how you should feel. Instead, I aim to offer an accepting and understanding space where you can explore your experiences and develop your own understanding of yourself.

If you’d like to find out more, you can read about therapy after an abusive relationship or therapy for self-esteem and self-trust.

I also offer a free 30-minute introductory call if you’d like to explore whether working together might feel right for you.