Leaving an abusive relationship can be an enormous step, but sometimes the impact of the relationship continues long after it has ended.

You may find yourself questioning your decisions, second-guessing your memories, or wondering whether your reactions are reasonable. Perhaps you have become used to putting someone else’s needs before your own, or you find it difficult to know what you want anymore.

You might also notice that you no longer trust your own judgement in the way you once did.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. An abusive relationship can affect the way we see ourselves and our understanding of our own experiences. Rebuilding self-trust can take time, and there is no single way that this process happens.

Why can an abusive relationship affect self-trust?

Abusive relationships can involve criticism, manipulation, control, blame and having your experiences dismissed or questioned.

Over time, this can make it difficult to rely on your own perceptions. You might begin to wonder:

• “Am I remembering this correctly?”
• “Was it really that bad?”
• “Was it somehow my fault?”
• “Am I overreacting?”
• “Can I trust my judgement?”
• “What if I make the wrong decision again?”

You may also have become accustomed to checking how someone else feels before considering your own feelings or needs.

When this happens repeatedly, it can become difficult to recognise your own wants, boundaries and opinions.

This doesn’t mean that you have lost the ability to trust yourself. It can mean that you have spent a long time in an environment where trusting yourself wasn’t encouraged or wasn’t safe.

Rebuilding your relationship with yourself

After an abusive relationship, rebuilding self-trust isn’t necessarily about becoming completely confident or never doubting yourself again.

Instead, it might involve gradually becoming more aware of what you think and feel, noticing what matters to you, and beginning to recognise that your experiences and feelings are worth taking seriously.

You might start to notice moments when you disagree with someone without immediately assuming that you are wrong.

You might become more aware of your own boundaries.

You might begin making small decisions without needing reassurance from someone else.

And sometimes, you might simply begin to recognise when that familiar feeling of self-doubt appears.

There is no particular point at which you have to be “better”. Self-trust can develop gradually, and setbacks don’t mean that you are going backwards.

What if I still blame myself?

Self-blame can be a particularly difficult part of recovering from an abusive relationship.

You may find yourself thinking about things you could have done differently, or wondering whether you should have recognised what was happening sooner.

It can be tempting to look back with the knowledge you have now and judge the decisions you made at the time.

But decisions are made within a particular set of circumstances. You may have been trying to cope with a situation that was confusing, frightening or constantly changing.

Understanding this doesn’t mean ignoring your experiences or pretending that difficult things didn’t happen. It can simply create some space to look at yourself with greater compassion.

What about trusting other people again?

Rebuilding self-trust can also affect your relationships with other people.

After experiencing abuse, you may feel worried about getting close to someone again. You might be afraid of missing warning signs, or concerned that you won’t recognise unhealthy behaviour until it is too late.

You might also find yourself looking for reassurance or constantly checking whether a relationship is “okay”.

These responses can make sense in the context of what you have experienced.

Trusting other people doesn’t have to mean ignoring your own instincts or giving someone complete trust immediately. It can involve learning that you are allowed to take your time, notice how you feel and decide what you are comfortable with.

Most importantly, you can learn that your own perspective matters too.

How therapy can help

Therapy can provide a space to explore what happened and how it has affected your relationship with yourself.

You might want to talk about experiences that you haven’t felt able to talk about elsewhere. You might want to understand why you continue to doubt yourself, or explore what makes it difficult to trust your own judgement.

As a person-centred therapist, I don’t believe that there is a set of instructions that will work for everyone.

I won’t tell you what decisions to make or give you a list of exercises to complete. Instead, therapy can be a space where you can explore your experiences at your own pace, with someone who is listening and trying to understand your perspective.

Sometimes, having that experience of being heard and taken seriously can itself be an important part of beginning to reconnect with yourself.

Therapy after an abusive relationship in Brighton & Hove and online

I offer therapy in Brighton & Hove, with face-to-face sessions in Fiveways and Kemptown, as well as online therapy throughout the UK.

I have experience working with survivors of domestic abuse, including through my work with RISE UK, a domestic abuse charity in Brighton.

If you would like to find out more about therapy after an abusive relationship, you can read more about therapy after an abusive relationship or therapy for self-esteem and self-trust.

Sessions are 50 minutes and cost £55, with a limited number of £30 low-cost spaces available.

If you have any questions, you’re welcome to get in touch or book a free 30-minute introductory call.